


Battlefield Egbert

by Krisander



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Culture Shock, I always pick on you, I'm sorry John, Language Barrier, M/M, Mind Kidnapping (I know), Mind Meld, Telepathy, Xeno, the Romance is harder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-26 10:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krisander/pseuds/Krisander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a second alien is captured, everyone is waiting for there to be some sort of change in the apathetic John. However, sometimes you get exactly what you wish for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snatched

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Battlefield Terra](https://archiveofourown.org/works/365950) by [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru). 



> Inspired by the awesome Battlefield Terra storyline, my brain kind of ran with it. It is NOT canon to Battlefield Terra. It is a spin-off. A wacky, kind of self-indulgent spin-off. I should feel sorry, but I don't. 
> 
> Also, hey look! I can do something other than second person pov. Huh. Weird.

He was really, really not sure about this, but it seemed like everyone else had already decided it was the best course of action. In fact, it had been Rose’s idea in the first place to have John ‘communicate’ with the new prisoner; she probably considered it the most logical choice since he had already been compromised. Compromised by an alien that had become his closest friend and companion due to mindmelding technology that never should have been created in the first place. Of course, everything had gone to shit rather quickly when everyone else had realized that little fact.

He thought back to when it had been decided that apparently they had gone too far, that perhaps having ‘the alien’ and John become best chums that shared thoughts and feelings was not the best plan after all. He had been somewhat in shock that they would suggest such a thing, but now he looked back on it, that had probably been what had convinced them. He had seen nothing wrong with the way he had befriended Karkat, and he was always so quick to defend him. They did not accept the fact that every other person on the island was either indifferent or wanted Karkat dead as an excuse. All they cared about was separating the two of them ‘before the damage was worsened to the point that it would be irreversible.’

Then Jack Noir had come in with the smuggest look on his face as imaginable and that was when he finally understood what was going on. Predictably he had gotten upset and practically leapt to his feet, but it was Dave and Jake who stopped him in his tracks. He had yelled at all of them when they held him back, and Karkat had this scared and yet resolved look on his face that broke John’s heart into a million pieces. Even if his alien pal didn’t know enough English to figure out what was going on, it would not be hard to guess at this point. He went quietly, allowing them to handcuff him and cart him off without so much as a snarl, refusing to look at John until he was being marched outside the door. His one eye that John could see was full of hurt and regret and a million other sad things.

“Later, Zhaan,” he had said as the door closed after the last soldier.

Something inside John had finally snapped at that simple phrase. He had thrown Jake and Dave off of him as if they were nothing but ragdolls and made a break for the door. Before he could reach it Dirk had appeared out of nowhere and blocked his way, so he had tackled him to the ground. Then he was dog piled on and there was a confusion of limbs everywhere and people trying to grab him and hold him down and it took a while for him to realize none of them were trying to hit him back. All the time he was screaming at them. Screaming that they were heartless and cruel and stupid and they were killing Karkat and he had done nothing wrong.

His mind skipped ahead to the following weeks, where he had sulked in isolation. He had refused to eat or sleep, just staring at the wall and wallowing in his profound depression. Any time one of the others had tried to cheer him up or even just give him company, he had completely ignored them. When Dave finally blew up at him and demanded he return to his happy-go-lucky idiot self, he had stared down the blonde and replied that there was no way he was going to bother pretending to be happy when Karkat was likely giving up on life again. Since there was no way any of them could promise that the alien would survive, they had to concede that they could not affect John’s happiness. However, they had forced him to eat and drink and basically do what was required to survive.

It was about eighteen days after Karkat was taken away that John had noticed that he was on suicide watch. It was nothing horribly obvious at first, but as time went by it became more and more difficult to ignore. Anytime he went to the roof, Dave or Jake or Jade accompanied him up there. Likewise one of the boys always seemed to be in the bathroom during his morning shave, no matter what time he actually got around to it. Despite the fact there was indeed still a war going on, someone always remained behind with him when the others went to their mechs in shifts. Usually it was Jane, and he found the company of his sister slightly more tolerable than that of the others. She was not one to push him to do things or put a smile on his face, but the unhappiness in her eyes was enough to make him want to at least try a little.

Things slowly settled down. Compared to before Karkat had ever crash-landed, he still was not happy and carefree. He hardly ever smiled, and there had not been a single prank in the entire house. Instead, he spent most of his time on his own, quietly reading or watching movies and doing other passive activities. The shrink he was forced to see every other day seemed more or less pleased with his responses, and once even mentioned getting to pilot Warhammer again in the future. John did not consider it likely, but he realized that it was supposed to cheer him up.

Then everything had been turned upside down when a second alien was captured. Dave had shrugged and said that the alien in his giant mech (a lot bigger than Karkat’s Cancer) had seemed uninterested in battling except to defend itself. Everyone had seemed concerned how this news would affect John, but he could find nothing to peak his interest. If the capture of the second alien meant that Karkat would be killed or released back into the kids’ custody he would have cared, but it was explicitly stated that nothing was going to change so he went on as if it had not happened at all. Skipping ahead two more weeks to now and-

“John!” a voice knocked him out of his musing. “If you could please pay attention so I would not have to repeat things for the third time, it would make this whole operation go much smoother for all of us involved.”

He glanced over to the blonde girl apologetically, “Sorry, Rose. It’s just…I guess I’m not sure why you guys want me to do this.”

She gives a pained sigh as if he was the most difficult person in the world, “Because you are the only one with any experience in dealing with the minds of aliens, John. Believe me, we have exhausted all other viable means of communication and he shredded the minds of the two scientists we sent in there. Both of them came out of there as screaming, incoherent messes. Although if you are concerned that you are not feeling up to the task, we can always wait until you feel ready. Neither of you are going anywhere anytime soon.” She catches her mistake a moment too late, which John finds extremely disconcerting coming from her.

“Yeah,” he nods with a strained smile, “I get it. Get John to do it since he’s all pro-alien and stuff. It’s not like I could say no anyway and you know it. This is basically all I’m good for anymore since I can’t be trusted in a mech or to help out with anything in the science department. I’m not stupid, Rose, although I know you all think I am.”

“We don’t-” she catches herself, allows the indifferent mask to settle back on her face. “I assure you that is not the case. If you do not wish to do this no one will force you.” Even as she says this, she holds out the pink headband cautiously, as if afraid of being bitten by a wild animal. Something about this does not surprise John, but it still hurts.

“Sure,” he shrugs as he plucks the device from her hand. “I’m going in there with him. These things suck going through walls and you know it.”

“I’m not sure that is the best-”

“Come on, Rose,” John rolls his eyes as he talks over her. “He’s strapped down to a table and everything. What is he going to do?” He keys in the override for the door and pauses for a moment before muttering, “Besides. It would probably be a relief to you guys if he tried something. You’d think it would prove you were right to separate us.” He did not have to add anything else, so he slipped through the door and shut it firmly behind him. Rose knew the code herself if she wanted to follow, but he was pretty sure she would wait until he was back in the observation room to rip him a new one.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced over to the new prisoner. The first thing that John noticed was that he was huge. The second was that his horns were long, slightly wavy things that reminded him of some kind of antelope. He had no idea why this seemed familiar or why it would make his heart rate increase, but it did. Perhaps it was finally seeing proof that Karkat did have a reason to be so sensitive about the size of his own nubby horns. The alien was already wearing the other pink headband, so John put the second on with a small sigh.

At first there was nothing, and he wondered if there was some sort of malfunction, but then there was a kind of weariness and slow anger building up and he realized that the alien had not noticed his entry to the room. He felt badly about that and started to apologize. _Sorry to intrude on you like this, but they can get so pushy (especially knowitallRosewoman). But anyway, I’m John. It’s nice to meet you._

There was a brief flash of incredulity. _At least you have manners a little, unlike those other motherfuckers. But I’m still not wanting to get my talk on with you littletinypink motherfuckers. SO GO THE FUCK AWAY!_

John grimaced a bit, _No need to get so angrymadyelly! I don’t want to be here either. (justafighter. Justapilot. Notabrainynerdysmartyperson. Whydotheyevenbothermakingmecomehere?) Sorry! Not that I hate you or anything (I don’t even know you yet!) but I am sort of nothappysaddepressedlonely right now and yeah…_

 _You are one weird motherfucker_ , is the reply after a moment. _Alien weird and funny weird. But I am missing my pies and my boyfriend and my dad and I really think you need to get out of my head, motherfucker. It is not a very nice place to be in._

 _Neither is mine right now, actually._ There is a brief flash of amusement as he carries on, _They all want to fix me (thereisnothingwrong!) and yet they want me to talk to you and I guess get information if I can (Iwontmakeyousayanything). Everyone thinks I am brokenwrong because I miss my alien pal. (littleanrgynubbyhorns) Oh shit! Uh, just ignore that. That was weird of me to think when I’m supposed to be-_

There is a brief moment of something like static and John tilts his head a little to try to figure out what is going on when suddenly it feels like being hit by a freight train. _WHERE? Littleangrynubbyhorns where?? Where is he? What did you motherfuckers do to my dearestsweetestkindest boyfriend? I WILL CULL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!_

“Eep!” John takes a step back as his eyes go wide. _Whoa! Calm down! Yellyscaryangry hurts! Okay, no! just stop a second (crushingsmashingow) Holy shit! Oh (nowwouldbeagoodtime karkattricksnow) right._ He steeled himself with a deep breath and lost himself in the background, letting all his errant thoughts be voiced.

Another pause. A feeling of some small amusement and a whole lot of urgency. There is a smugness coming from the alien. Then all Hell breaks loose. _You can’t hide from me using such little babywriggler tricks. If I can’t get what I motherfucking want from you the easy way, then I’ll just have to riprendtear all of it out. HONK!_ It suddenly feels like John’s head is a placid island surrounded by a whirling hurricane. There are attacks coming from all sides and teasing his thoughts apart, digging into his head and his memories. John locks his jaw to keep from screaming aloud as he attempts to find cover and defend himself. He feels something warm and slick on his face and forces himself to ignore it as he focuses on making his thoughts as indecipherable as possible.

There is frustration coming from the other side. The alien is not used to having so much trouble. It is probably because their brains are so different that he did not have immediate success like he expected. Instead he is scratching his claws bloody at the walls around John’s mind; tearing them down as John replaces them just as quickly. They are at a deadlock, neither one able to make any headway before the other thwarts his attempts.

“John!” a concerned voice cuts through his awareness. “John, take the headband off!” He glances distractedly to the side and suddenly there is a fierce shout of triumph coming from the alien’s mind. John feels something shift, and then there is a horrible tearing sensation that felt worse than a million tasers hitting him all at once. His muscles stopped working and he couldn’t scream and he couldn’t see and then it was just all gone. One moment he could feel the feedback from his limbs and the next there was nothing. Experimentally he attempted to open his eyes and nothing happened. There was just darkness.

 _There we go, motherfucker. Your alien thinkpan is so different it didn’t want to work with me but I’ve got you now._ Smugness, but this time it was not coming from outside of him, separate. It…it felt like it was him feeling smug about something. But there was nothing for him to feel smug about, because he couldn’t feel his legs and holy shit was it possible for someone to paralyze you by messing with your brain? What if that was what happened?

 _Motherfucker, you are being distracting. Now stop and let me_ \- there was a brief unpleasant feeling of someone shuffling through his memories and John panicked, trying to throw up his defensive walls and having trouble finding them. _No use doing that, little motherfucker. You aren’t all up and in your own mind anymore._ The feeling continued and John would have gritted his teeth if he knew where they were or how to do that anymore. _Where is my boyfriend (mineminemine)?? Must find him!_ There was a brief flash with the word him. It was more like ‘nubbyhornedlovelyangrytrollyellingallthetime’ but filled with such profound adoration that it was like a term of endearment all on its own. Oh.

Oh.

 _G’mzee?_ John thought cautiously, filled with suspicion that this was some kind of trick. There was no way that out of all the aliens in the universe, the one Dave had captured was-

 _Soheishere._ Relief, and then back to the urgency. _Must find him! Where is he? WHERE IS HE, MOTHERFUCKER?_ Memories were dragged up to the surface with brute force at random as the alien searched for what he wanted. John tried to cringe away but there was nowhere to go where the alien wasn’t already there.

_Oh god, hang on a second! I don’t know where he is (andifIdidIwouldprobably- nouse they would never let me. Uselessworthlessdumb)- hang on second and I can **show** you!_

A pause as the attack ceases. There is disbelief and distrust, but before he can decide whether or not to trust the boy, John takes the moment to think back again. He shows the events of Karkat being taken away and watches them with that profound feeling of depression. He fast forwards through everything that had happened from then up until now and waits anxiously for the alien’s response.  
There is some curiosity behind the distrust and anger. _You and Karkat? Boyfriends or enemies or soulmates or --?_ There were so many layers to the terms he was using, John was sure that there was no way he was understanding it correctly. Then again, Karkat had often scolded John for being so caring, and also mentioned not wanting to cheat on his boyfriend (although the connotations here seemed different somehow).

He cautiously replied, _I’m not sure? He is my friend but I don’t know in your terms…_ he trails off. In ‘friend’ he had attempted to summarize his feelings towards Karkat and somehow he found them slightly less platonic than he had originally thought. _Oh god I’m pining after him like a schoolgirl and Dirk will never let me live this down ever (hemustneverfindout!) but sorry, I don’t mean it like- erm. I know you two are boyfriends and I’m not going to get between the two of you because he has been missing you this entire time and holyshitshutthefuckupJohn._

Some confusion, which was coming from the both of them for sure. _You won’t come between us because it is the wrong quadrant. And serendipity. We are the perfect match for each other, motherfucker. Me and my lovely little motherfucker are written up in the stars, don’t you know? Littlepinkalien motherfucker won’t break up our ---._ Okay, that time there had been feelings involved with the word that took a moment for John to get a grasp on. Endearment, but more of a brotherly or best friend way than he was expecting. The need to protect was there as well. _Looking out for each other’s backs like a mo--il should._

 _I think some things are just getting lost in translation here,_ John thought-shrugged, still a little disturbed that he could not actually feel anything. _I don’t understand._

 _Not that I mind getting my explain on about quadrants, but now is really not the time._ Amusement, some indulgence. _So then you don’t know where my moirail is?_ Hopeful, wistful longing there. Weirdly it was shared/echoed by John in a slightly different way. Like two different instruments playing the same note.

 _No._ Glumness, depression, lonliness. _They won’t tell me. They separated us (compromised bullshit) and now I basically sit around and do nothing (lonelysadmissinghim). So useless. Can’t be a pilot anymore (noskynospacenofreedom). Can’t help out in the labs (boring work anyway). Can’t be trusted to do anything. They watch me now- worriedIwillkillmyself? (notthatIwouldn’tconsideritifthiskeepsup) Sorry! Um…I kinda can’t help thinking about…yeah._

A noncommittal sort of noise like a grunt. _They tried to keep me away from Karkat, too, the higherup motherfuckers. Couldn’t do anything to me because I was good on the motherfucking hemospectrum, but he wasn’t (dontcareaboutthestupidhemospectrumanyway). But they said he died and I knew he hadn’t died yet, I knew it (wouldhavefeltit) and so I came to look for him but now you don’t know where he is either._

_Sorry. I wish I did. (not that it would change anything. They’d probably just lock me up where I wouldn’t be able to get to him.)_

Anger. A sort of growling sound that perfectly translated to frustration. _Let me see._

_See what? What do you want? I’ll remember it for you. (please no more tearingriping by force- it hurtsnowrong)_

_I want to see everything. Everything with Khhrk’t. Don’t resist. Won’t hurt you anymore (unless you lie)._ There was another feeling of shuffling, but this time it was gentler. It was still odd to have the alien going through his memories, but now it was more like watching someone watch clips from the movie of his life and listen to their commentary. There were still some vaguely uncomfortable undertones to it, but the pain was gone and that was definitely a plus. Of course, looking back on a lot of the stupid stuff he had done without realizing it was stupid was really painful to do when having to listen/feel the alien’s disapproval, shock, and, at times, anger.

 _YOU MADE HIM SLEEP ON A **SEXPLATFORM???**_ Rage. Pure. Fucking. Rage. John had no reply for this level of stupid and kind of just curled up into a metaphorical ball inside his mind and awaited another bout of angry alien thoughts being blasted at him. There was a brief moment of pain as the memories attached to that one were dragged out and also examined, but then there was a feeling like an annoyed huff and the alien resumed his sorting through fragments peacefully.

After what seemed like forever, he finally seemed to be more or less satisfied with what he saw. _You care about him lots._ Not a question, and needed no answer. _And I would say he cares about you too, motherfucker. …I don’t want to hurt the matesprit of my moirail._ Confusion from John prompted him to continue, _Hurting you would hurt my Khhrk’t. I never hurt him before, and I don’t motherfucking plan to start now._

Cautiously John thought, _So…what now?_

Bemusement, as if explaining something to a small child. _I’ll put you back where I motherfucking found you._ Indeed, there was some sort of movement around him as the alien went to do something and then- _Uh. Where did you go?_

Some panic coming from the human, _What did you mean where did I go? I am right here? Inside your head I guess? (Mindstuffissoconfusing)_

_No, little motherfucker. Your body. I don’t feel it anymore._

Panic levels definitely rising. _What do you mean you don’t feel my body anymore?! What did you do?! (ohshitI’mgoingtobeaparaplegic! Orstuckinacomaforever! Ohnoohnoohno!)_

 _Hold your hoofbeasts, I’ll figure it out._ Suddenly John could see again, but there was something wrong with the picture. He appeared to be lying flat on his back staring at the ceiling, but the colors were sort of… off. Not quite right. Then his eyes moved over without him doing it and he realized that holy shit this was not what he was seeing, it was what G’mzee was seeing. He literally was just hanging out inside of the alien’s head.

There appeared to be some kind of commotion going on at the far side of the room if he/they looked past his/their feet. John felt a spike of panic when he saw all the scientists in the room lifting someone up to carry- oh. Oh no. That was him they were carrying out. Or his body. Whatever. They were taking it away and he wasn’t in it and fucking hell this was very, very much so not good. But why was it that G’mzee could not put him back?

_Uh. You went all silent like all the other no-horn motherfuckers. I can’t find you anymore than I could talk to them._

Oh. They took off the headband. After conveying that concern to G’mzee so he would concentrate at looking at his lifeless body, it was confirmed that he was no longer wearing the mindmelding pink headband. And if they took off the headband and took his body away… he likely was going to remain in a coma for the rest of his life. Well, sort of. His mind was still (relatively) safe inside the alien’s head, but no one would dare to attempt communicating with G’mzee again if he had managed to apparently put John in a coma.

There was a feeling like someone patted his head. Sadness. Regret. _Looks like you are stuck with me, little motherfucker. I’ll try to take care of you until we can figure something out, but… (not very likely) We can try to share for a bit. (You need two bodies for two motherfucking minds, though.)_ Uncertainty. _This has never motherfucking happened before, as far as I got my understand on about it._

 _Y-yeah._ Terror. _Sure, we can try. Oh, hang on! Pay attention someone is coming over!_

The alien shifted his attention to the new monkey coming towards him and noted that this one was talking to him. _Useless idiot motherfucking stupid. Can’t understand what you are saying there, motherfucker._ But John could recognize the words as well as the face.

“What did you do?” Dave’s voice was deceptively calm, which meant he was pissed beyond all reason. “What did you fucking do to him, asshole?” Someone’s concerned voice calls to him, but G’mzee wasn’t paying close enough attention for John to catch anything other than the tone. All of the alien’s attention was focused on Dave…who now had his blade on their/G’mzee’s throat. _Motherfucking capturer darkglasses._

 _Dave,_ corrected John immediately. _Funny, Karkat doesn’t care for him either. But he’s really pissed about this- ohmyGod! He probably thinks you killed me! Oh shit! This is really notgoodbadhorribleterribleohshitohshit!_

“So what?” Dave replies without looking away from their/G’mzee’s face. “He just fucking dropped Egbert like it was nothing. Blood gushing out of every orifice and then he goes slack with no pulse. He sure as Hell wasn’t fainting, Lalonde. Are we going to let him live after seeing something like that?”

There is a mental flinch from John as G’mzee involuntarily flashes to the exact footage of what Dave was discussing. Okay, that did look pretty bad. Also, it was kind of cool that apparently having John inside his head made it so that G’mzee could understand Dave. Well, it only worked if they were both paying attention (like the headbands themselves), but it still felt kind of weird to John.

Rose steps into their field of view, and there is something broken in her eyes that make John wish he could reach out to her and comfort her. _Oh, Rose! Not your fault, Rose! If you hadn’t brought me over one of the higherups would have eventually and don’t look like that, I’m okay (well sorta) and noneedtobesadandfilledwithregret._

She places her hand on Dave’s shoulder and she says in a quiet, tiny voice, “John will be very upset with you when he wakes up if you do this.” To others there would be no difference on the teenager’s face, but John knew him better than that. The slight tightening of his mouth at the corners and the straightening of his shoulders was the same as him screaming back at her that she was wrong and he was doing the right thing.

 _Bring it, motherfucker,_ thought G’mzee the same time John thought, _No! Nonono, Dave! It’s already done! He’s tied up, Dave, you would never attack someone who is defenseless whatareyouthinking? Bad Dave! Rose is right! Even if I wasn’t in here I would be very, very unhappy with (and a little disappointed in) you._

 _Is **this** motherfucker your moirail?_ Disdain, mixed with some amusement. _Conciliator towards him, right? Doesn’t motherfucking seem like you need him to keep you out of trouble with the way you are so friendlyhappynice to everyone._

 _He does sometimes, though,_ counters John. _Like when I want to take a prank too far or I’m being an utter oblivious moron about things. Well, they all kind of do that. Just like I have to look out for all of them as their friendleader. Oh, no Janey! Shewillbeheartbroken! Jade and Jake, too, but mostly Janey! Aw, no, it’s okay. Dave and the others will look out for her until- until we fix this somehow._

 _Whoa there, little motherfucker. You are the biggest --- (worrywartconcernedperson). Calm down and let me concentrate on what is going on; they are talking again._ Again, there was something lost in translation that seemed to have a negative connotation on relationship-jumper, but that made no sense to John. He turned his attention back to his friends as well so that they would know what they were talking about.

“-no idea what exactly happened,” Rose was saying. “We’ll run some tests and see what is going on before we make any decisions.”

There was a long pause before Dave withdrew his blade and allowed it to roll back into itself again, “Sure. We can do that.” Tight, terse. He did not really think that any other outcome was going to happen, but he was willing to put it off for now. John was somewhat disappointed by this, but the blonde never had been very good at forgiving others.

The two of them withdrew, and Rose threw a single lavender glance over her shoulder as she locked the door behind her. Everyone was gone, leaving the alien and his secret companion alone for the time being. They left so quickly they did not even clean up the room; G’mzee could still smell the metallic tang of alien blood on the floor. John grimaced that it was his blood, and then went back to worrying about what to do. If this was not brought to a favorable ending soon, Dave would likely return when everyone else was asleep and slit G’mzee’s throat. Or worse yet, they would decide that G’mzee was no longer valuable for information and move on to testing weapons on him or other awful things that John had always tried not to think about them doing to Karkat. Oh no, Karkat!

_MOTHERFUCKING STOP! You are not helping matters any. Only helpful thoughts, John. Is there any way that you could let them know you are in here with me?_

_Maybe if we could move or get something to write with, but not if they keep us tied down like this. Blinking Morse code would probably just make them suspicious that you saw too much stuff and then they would never trust you. Hell, even if you could tell them I was in here they would never believe you. And I doubt any of them will think to hook up me to the headband when I’m in a coma; they’d probably think you were trying to finish the job._

_So…_ both of them pause for a moment to reflect on this. _I guess you and I will be getting our motherfucking know on about one another. We’ll figure something out, little man._

 _…right…_ Neither of them actually believed that, but there was some kind of unspoken agreement to try to remain optimistic about the situation. After awhile, they began to pass bits and pieces of memories between each other whenever an errant thought popped up that needed to be explained. John learned that as a highblood, G’mzee was almost royalty of some kind. He was the highest color one could get in a landtroll. Which brought up seatrolls and then the ocean of their planet (called Alternia? Strange name.) and all sorts of random bits of information. G’mzee in turn was curious about the oceans here on Earth and the creatures that inhabited it (he was rather impressed with whales, but kept asking where the goats were for some reason).

An inordinate amount of time passed, and finally G’mzee started to drift to sleep. At first it freaked John out because he could not see or hear anything, but eventually he settled down himself and tried to sleep. Or rather, to stop thinking for awhile, since he had no body that actually needed to sleep. That was a weird thing to think about, so he settled on trying to keep his mind as empty as possible. After awhile, the feedback from G’mzee cut off and for the first time it was almost like being alone again. John found himself feeling strangely melancholy about that.


	2. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still not sorry. 
> 
> Okay, maybe a bit. If only because I pick on John. Poor guy.

The nightmares were the worst. As G’mzee slept, there were different bits and pieces of memories. Some were things that John assumed were from his past, while others were nothing but jumbled blurs of torrid emotions. Then it was like being plunged into a dark, twisted realm of screaming death and blood and pain. Twice he panicked so much that he woke the alien, who was rather annoyed with how easily frightened he was. There was some arguing, a brief tousle with their minds, and then John was left to his own devices while G’mzee went back to trying to sleep. In the end, they both gave up and started up a conversation again.

They had been discussing human cuisine (both of them could feel the dull ache in the alien’s stomach that announced his hunger) when suddenly there was a wooshing sort of noise that gave them a start. After a brief few seconds of utter confusion on both their parts, they broke their thoughts off of the conversation and switched their attention to what had made the sound. There was a cleaning man flanked by two guards. It took a moment for John to realize he was scrubbing away at the dried puddles of blood on the far side of the room. The noise they had heard was the door opening.

For a few minutes the two of them debated back and forth whether or not they should do anything, and what it should be if they did. In the end neither of them could think of anything that wouldn’t get them both killed. This led to a morbid train of thought.

_Hey G’mzee,_ John mused to the other, _what would happen to my body if something were to happen to you?_

_…I think that you would stay in a sleepstate forever. The body cannot operate without the mind and your mind is in here._

_…that’s what I thought… I wonder if they would ever give up on me waking up. I mean, yeah Dad and Janey never would, but the others… I think they would be more sad than anything else if they kept my body around._

Irritation. _You aren’t dead yet, motherfucker. Stop dwelling on the bad notrealyet stuff. We’ve got enough problems already. Like these whitecoat motherfuckers here again._

_Oh, the scientists. Uh…what have they-? I guess I really don’t want to know, huh?_

_Yeah, I would guess not._ Resignation and bitterness at the same time. _I bet they wouldn’t get up to their shenanigans if they knew **you** were in here too. If I were you I would go into my hideyhole now. Make yourself littlesmallnotthere and I’ll try to ignore whatever they are up to this time._ John can tell he really does not think that will help much, but he appreciates the gesture anyway. It was so confusing to be actually inside G’mzee’s mind instead of just communicating through the headbands. Thoughts, and especially emotions, felt as if they were coming from John’s mind instead of something separate.

_What if we told each other stories?_ the human suggests. _Keep us busy and ignore them as much as possible. I’d bet you’ve got a ton of great stories._

_Maybe… I don’t see how it could hurt to motherfucking try. You start. Your idea._

_Oh, uh, sure. Um, what do you want to hear about?_

_I don’t give a damn. Just pick something before they start up those distracting whirligig machines._ He closed his eyes to cut off the added distraction and turned his full attention inwards towards John. _Amuse me, littlepinkmonkeyalien._

So John thought back and told him about how he and Karkat met. It was probably not the best thing to start out with, since there had been a lot of treading on each other’s cultural toes, but it was the beginning and that seemed like the best place to jump in. G’mzee’s reactions to the events were more interesting to John than the memories themselves, even when the alien was angry about one thing or another that he had done wrong. By the time he got to his improvised rescue of the angry little alien, G’mzee interrupted him.

_Bitchtits story, motherfucker, but they all up and left already._

_Oh, sorry,_ John felt like he had really lost track of time. It could not have been more than ten minutes since he started the tale. _Was that really fast or was I just being really slow?_

_Neither, really,_ was the reply. _It takes more time when you concentrate on telling the story than just giving flashes of things. But we should save storytime until they come back. Let’s talk about something else for a bit._ They wandered on to discuss colors and how they differed between John’s memories and G’mzee’s own. From there they went to silly things like words that sounded alike but meant different things. John was amazed how complex the alien language was when to his normal ears it would sound like nothing but hisses, clicks, and growls. After some time, G’mzee told the human to shut the fuck up so he could sleep and the two of them settled down for a bit.

Things went on like this for quite some time. Whenever the scientists or lackeys came, John would tell G’mzee stories. He quickly realized that the ones that included Karkat kept the alien the most interested, and seeing as how whenever their focus strayed the pain became more apparent, it didn’t take long for the human to catch on. Sometimes no matter what they did they could not help stave away the agony. One such time was when they tested weaponry made to take advantage of the gray dudes’ weakness to MRI fields.

G’mzee had gone into a panic when the machine produced a field. He had gone on and on about there being distortions and walls where there should be none and the floor staring back at him through the hole. His utter uncertainty and anguish had literally almost ripped John’s own mind apart when he attacked the boy in some sort of confused retribution. They had been ill before the scientists took notes and the machine away for some sort of recalibration. After calming down the two of them attempted to reconcile with each other, but John could not help but remain wary afterwards.

Another time they took a coring sample from G’mzee’s arm. The wound had hurt worse than John had expected, but at the same time not nearly as bad as he imagined it would if they did something similar to his own body. The tang of the purple blood was familiar to the alien; however, the human found it mildly disturbing. In the mean time, John had run out of stories about Karkat and had moved on to random events from his childhood. Occasionally G’mzee would give in and tell a story himself, simply because it was more distracting than listening to the time John fell out of a tree and broke his arm when trying to retrieve Jane’s kite.

Neither of them brought up the fact that they were no closer to solving their problem than the day it happened. Sometimes Dave would visit when no one else was around. He would simply stand by the door or the foot of the bed and fiddle with the hilt of his sword before leaving again. Each time he appeared it broke John’s heart a little more that his best bro would even consider killing the (somewhat) helpless prisoner. G’mzee did not help matters since he seemed rather flattered by these ominous visits. (This confusion prompted two days worth of lectures about alien romance. Although convoluted, it began to make a little sense to John when G’mzee began comparing the quadrants to relationships John knew of. Even though Jack Noir and Mr. Strider never, ever, ever needed to be thought of as in any kind of relationship and he told G’mzee so.)

The longer they were together, the harder and harder it became for John to distinguish what was genuinely coming from him and what G’mzee was feeling or thinking. When he expressed his concern to the alien, it was confirmed that he had no idea whether or not it was possible for two minds to exist in one body for any length of time; G’mzee rather expected that eventually John would just fade away in a sense. His memories would still be there, but he would cease to have thoughts or emotions of his own. This terrified the human so much that he began to concentrate on being more active in their conversations or mutual reminiscing.

The next time the MRI fields were used on them, the confusion for G’mzee was much worse. It apparently screwed with that extra sense the aliens’ had, and his horns were very long and thus sensitive to the distortions. This time John was smart enough to have his defenses up, although it saddened him that there was no way to help his alien pal through the actual testing. It was not until after when he could tentatively try to calm the troll down and give him something to concentrate on to ease the vertigo. Then for a long time after that, it seemed as if they were being ignored. Neither one of them could decide whether this was a good thing or not, since G’mzee’s value as a test subject was directly related to the value of him being alive.

_Hey little motherfucker! You should be paying attention to this now. You’re friends are coming in and I can’t understand a single motherfucking thing they say if you don’t all up and listen to the words coming out of their windchutes._

_Dave again?_ John roused himself to pay attention to what was going on around them. Sure enough, he could recognize the voice of the blonde, but it appeared he was not the only one entering the room. It was obvious that they were attempting to be quiet; whether it was to avoid attracting G’mzee’s attention or some other reason was not quite clear.

“-be quiet so that we don’t have to explain what we are doing?” Jade was growling at Dave. “Just stand over in the corner or something!” Jake was attempting to pacify her, his empty palms towards her.

Seeing them sparked an interesting, hurried thought from the alien. _Whoa. Is that your body walking around with that one that looks like a girl you?_

_No that’s Jake (he’s like my clonetwinbro) and Jade (she’s sorta my cousin? I dunno, that’s just what I call her because it’s easiest). They’re like my siblings._ Still confusion. _Oh, right, that’s not something you guys have. Uh, we share genes? No, Karkat said it like… we share genetic donors?_

_Huh._ The alien turned his attention back to the humans filing into the room, _There’s still some coming inside and I swear I can smell…_

“Either of them gives us any trouble and I swear to God I am decapitating the big one,” snaps Dave and whoa, John has really never seen him lose his cool so easily. “This is a fucking retarded idea and you know it.”

“Dearest brother, please shut up while I explain to Khrkat what exactly it is that we want him to ask our newest-”

“G’mzee??” a familiar voice sounds from across the room. Both of them can feel their/G’mzee’s heart/blood-pusher skip a beat as his eyes shoot back to the doorway. Sure enough, there he stood next to Rose, his arms handcuffed behind his back. The shadows under his eyes had transformed from smudges to full-on bags since John had last seen him, and everything about him just screamed exhausted. Everything but his eyes and slack jawed expression. Those made him look like he just got told that it was his birthday, Christmas, and every other holiday all at the same time and he was still trying to decide whether or not he was having a really awesome dream.

The wave of affection that rocked the both of them would be horribly embarrassing if John was not equally ecstatic to see his alien buddy. Like a mantra in their head they shared, _He’s here, he’s here, he’s here! Khhrkt/Karkat is here! He’s here, he’s safe, he’s okay! He’s here! Right here! He’sherehe’sherehe’shere! Ask him if he’s okay! Make sure that he’s not injured! His arms are restrained, you don’t think they- (no, never!)_ They both wanted their arms around him, but they could do nothing but look as they were still strapped down to the table.

“Khhrkt?” G’mzee replies before he can help himself. “My dearest? Are you okay? Did they hurt you? Are you-”

“Stop!” Karkat barked. His face had turned hard and stiff, and G’mzee didn’t have to tell John that meant he was pissed because it was obvious. He was striding over, and the humans were all just staring on with their arms half-raised, as if trying to decide whether or not they should intervene.

When he stood next to the bed, he continued, “What. The. Fuck. G’mzee? What are you even doing here, you asswipe? No, even better, why is it that Rose was just telling me that you tried to fucking kill Zhaan and they aren’t sure if the bulgelicker is going to make it? You do realize that you are luckiest motherfucker alive since they haven’t culled your ass yet, right? What in the blistering nookstains did you do? Were you trying to kill him?”

A sheepish smile spread on G’mzee’s face, “Uh, that wasn’t what I was going for, but our best guess is that their brains are different enough from ours that it didn’t quite want to motherfucking work with me. So when I scooped him up, I might have sort of accidently been all up and causing some hurt on him. But it’s all good, because we got our understanding on about one another now.” He briefly checks with John to make sure that is the case, and the human assures him he has no hard feelings about the snatching (provided they actually can get him back in his body soon).

“You…what?” the smaller troll seems to be dumbfounded. “G’mzee, you are making even less sense than usual. What the fuck are you going on about?”

_Oh, right,_ John laughed, _you didn’t tell him I was in here. Oh, man! The look on his face is going to be priceless! I wish we had a camera!_ They shared a split second of amusement before they both realized that smiling right now was probably not helping matters any.

“I snatchedtook him,” calmly explains G’mzee. “Littlepink motherfucker has been hanging out in my thinkpan with me. And although it has been a lot of fun, we would both motherfucking like it if we could be putting his mind back in his own body, thank you.”

Karkat’s jaw has literally dropped open, “Y-you… snatched him? Does that even work on fucking aliens? Holy shit, what do you mean he has been in your thinkpan this entire time? Oh my God, is he still alive?”

“You could all up and be asking him yourself if you got those pink headthings,” G’mzee shrugs. “He is kinda getting all riled up right now anyway, so I’m sure he’d be talkative.” John instantly agrees that this is an excellent idea and he would very much like to talk to Karkat right now. “Make that a ‘you better do that soon or your moirail is going to have a migraine from a hyperactive alien pal bouncing around his skull’ actually.”

“I’m not sure if…hang on a second,” the nubby-horned alien turns back to Rose. He pauses for a moment as if to consider what to say, “Need headband.” _Wow, that was pretty good English,_ John notes. Unfortunately, this instantly causes a commotion among his friends.

“No way in Hell are you getting-” Dave begins.

Rose cuts him off, “You are requesting the headband so you can speak with G’mzee, correct?” When Karkat nods, she turns to Jake, “Go fetch the other headband. It should still be in the control room.” She was using her icy, no-questions voice, and Jake gave a little ‘eep’ before he scurried back out of the room to go do as she requested. John was quite frankly relieved that she was being so reasonable.

“Rose, what are you doing?” frowns Jade. “Not that I want to think Khrkat would try anything, but…”

“We did just have one of them put John into a coma,” finishes Dave blandly. “Do you really want to risk any of us for this?”

“They appear to know each other,” Rose shrugs elegantly. “If Khrkat wants to have the headband, I can only assume it is to commune with his acquaintance and determine that he is telling the truth. Besides, brother, when have you ever cared about Khrkat’s safety?” That made Dave clench his mouth shut, and gave G’mzee enough time to look over the room. It appeared that just the four of them had come with Karkat, so that made John wonder where the others were or if they even knew about this far-fetched plan.

“Got it!” Jake slides back into the room like an action hero straight from the movies, triumphantly holding out the headband in his tight grasp.

“Thank you, Harley,” the violet-eyed girl takes the headband from him. Without paying any mind to her brother or Jade, she walked over next to Karkat and placed the headband on his head. “Quickly, Khrkat. We don’t have much time to spare.”

_Hi Karkat!_ John called out as soon as the headband touched the alien’s head.

Karkat gave a start, “Zhaan?” _Holy fucking Hell! You really are in here! Oh, this is just fucking brilliant. Besides the fact that all of us are likely to be gruesomely murdered because of the rest of the psycho-alien gang believes you are dead, is there anything else you bastards want to add to the shit heap? How does this even work with three people? Can you both think things at me but I can only talk to both of you or-_

_I hate to be interrupting your wicked rants, bro, but I believe the, Rose? (yes, that one is Rose), the Rose human said to hurry. We need John’s body. You have to get your convincing on and get them to bring it in here so we can be putting him back where he belongs. (yeah, that would be nice.)_

_And how do you bulgehumpers expect me to do that? ‘Oh, hey, I know my grasp of the English language is not so great and my friend here nearly killed one of you, but I need the unconscious body of your bosom companion and genetic relative, please and thank you.’_

_You have to try, Khhrkt. John has been fading away (I am **not!** )- yes you are. Until Khhrkt came in you were the quietestfurthestsoftest you have been, motherfucker. (Look, it’s hard and I’m tired and I don’t even think sleeping is something I can do right now.) Bodies aren’t supposed to be all up and sharing minds, so we need to get him back in his own littlepinkmonkey body._

_Uh, great. I’ll try._ Uncertainty. _Hang on a second while I try to convince them to drag John back in here._ “Uh, where Zhaan?”

“John is being held in another area of the hospital,” Rose answered briskly. There followed a confusing round-about where G’mzee listened to the words, John translated, and Karkat listened. He nodded, _Do you think they could move you? Your body, I mean? This is so fucking stupid._

_Uh, depends how bad I’m (er, my body) is doing. Like, comas usually mean something like being asleep, but…_

“Bring Zhaan?” Karkat asks.

“You want us to bring John here?” one blonde eyebrow raises, and wow she really does look a lot like Dave when she does that. “Even though that would be impossible due to his condition, I would like to know the reasoning behind why you would ask.”

There is a brief pause as the smaller alien glances back at his moirail, “G’mzee fix. G’mzee fix Zhaan.” G’mzee himself gave a slow, serious nod.

“You are suggesting that this…Gemzee?... is willing and able to repair the damage he did to John?” When Karkat nods, she looks at him severely, “Why?”

G’mzee himself responds with _Because he’s not a bad motherfucker if my moirail is getting his flush on over him. If you don’t want him, I could always…_

_No!_ Karkat looked panicked. _Oh my God don’tyoudare! Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?_

Amusement, _I was never gonna do anything to him. Unless maybe you wanted me to- maybe if you two were blackrom. (Oh, gee, thanks.) I adore you too much to hurt your flushcrush, Khhrkt. That and I don’t much want him around anymore anyway. No offense, little motherfucker. (None taken, I want out of here too.)_

_Who said anything about flushcrush? Nope, we are not going there. Look, here, I’m gong to go talk to Rose and that conversation is not ever fucking coming up, okay?_ There appears to be a little bit of a dusky blush rising to Karkat’s face, “Uh, Khhrkt. Erm… Khhrkt say.”   
“So he is offering to heal John because you are telling him to?” the second eyebrow joins the first. In response to her disbelief, Karkat draws himself up, squaring his shoulders and lifting his chin in a way that projected leadership instead of disdain. He gives a curt nod, and stands as if he is waiting for her to agree because there is no other option even on the table.

“Even if we were to trust his word, I’m sorry to say that there is no way we can move John currently,” she disagrees anyway. John cannot help the surge of disappointment that runs through him, and G’mzee seems more frustrated than anything else.

“Okaaaay,” drawls out Jade. “Then why don’t we take them to John?”

“What? Are you crazy?” Dave snarls. “Karkat is one thing, but there is no way that giant-ass monster is going to go waltzing down narrow corridors with us like a tame tiger or something. Big surprise when he snaps and mauls somebody.”

“Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any brilliant ideas!” she snaps back. “What do you suggest doing, your royal prissiness?”

“Anything but allowing a fucking killing machine to run around the complex!”

“Guys, whoa!” Jake steps in between them. “Come on now, pal. If there is a chance that he can help John, we have to gosh darned take it. You know that.”

“Agreed,” nods Rose. “Khrkt? Would you be able to help control G’mzee if anything gets out of hand?”

“Yes,” Karkat consents after a moment of consideration. When the girl makes the twirling motion with one finger, there is an outraged noise from Dave. However, he remains in place as the alien’s handcuffs are undone. After he has rubbed his wrists a bit, Rose hands him the handcuffs and a different set of keys, motioning towards G’mzee. Even as Karkat reaches for the first lock to free G’mzee’s wrists, Dave’s sword springs to life. John is relieved when he simply places himself in front of his sister instead of attacking either of the aliens. Within moments, Karkat has managed to handcuff his moirail tight enough so that the humans would not freak out, yet loose enough not to cause any undue discomfort. Then he undoes the rest of the restraints, working with cool efficiency.

“Slow, G’mzee,” he orders. “I don’t much feel like being fucking stabbed to death by the twitchy one that already hates both of us.”

_Aw, he’s not that bad,_ John thinks. _I mean, he just kinda holds you two responsible for killing me right now. It’ll probably get better once we work this out. Although, he is always going to be an asshole regardless._

_Enough about that motherfucker unless you want to get all up and ashen with me while you are still in my head,_ G’mzee admonishes as he slowly sits up. It is a weird feeling for both of them, seeing as how he had not been able to move in weeks. _Alright, do I follow you or…_ John kind of zoned out for the rest of the conversation. Actually the next thing he knew, G’mzee was kind of looming over his unconscious body. It was really disturbing, looking down on yourself like that when you were hooked up to all sorts of machines that were apparently keeping your body alive while you were gone. _Hey there, John. I was wondering when you were all up and going to pay attention to where we were. Khhrkt, I need the bandthing on John._

_Oh, right!_ The feedback from the smaller alien cut off suddenly as he removed his headband and walked around G’mzee to get to John’s head. Dave makes a sort of growly noise, but the other three shoosh him impatiently. The worst part was that there was no difference between the headband being on no one and it being on John’s body. He knew that made sense, since his mind was on the same side as G’mzee’s, but it was still a really disturbing sensation.

_Now you’ve got to go back where you came from._ Amusement at John’s unease. _Don’t worry, motherfucker. It won’t be as bad as the first time since you are going the other direction and all._ There was movement around him, and John freaked out a little. He instinctively threw up what little defenses he could and curled into himself like an armadillo. This really did not help at all, but it made him feel better.

It was a lot like the last time, except not painful as much as disconcerting. He lost the feedback from G’mzee’s senses- sight and sound and that echolocation thing- and then there was nothingness. Seeing as how John was unsure whether or not he was back in his own body, he was too afraid to try and do anything. Then he could feel a presence outside of him, a concerned feeling that did not quite match up with his own emotions. _You okay in there, motherfucker? I put back everything just the way it was. Why don’t you try moving something?_

_I-I’m not sure…how? Like, where do I-_ A blood-curdling roar right next to his head caused John to involuntarily jump, choking on the tube when he tried to suck in more air. Hands were suddenly all over him, and it seemed like there was a lot of yelling.

“Holy shit, hold him down before he rips out his throat!”

“John! John! You’re okay, John! You’re in the hospital!”

“Hang on. I’ve got this.” There was a scratching, pulling sensation in his windpipe as the tube was pulled out. Right, he had been intubated. That would explain the choking. He coughed so hard he swore a lung was going to pop loose, but after a few moments he was able to squint his eyes open. Fuck did the light hurt more than he thought it would. Someone was still holding on to his shoulders, preventing him from turning to the side to avoid it.

_Been awhile since you used your own eyes, bro,_ G’mzee’s thoughts were colored with amusement. _Glad to see you have at least some motherfucking survival instinct._

_You are a bastardjerk. No wonder you don’t like Dave; you two are a lot alike._ Wincing, he squinted his eyes open a bit more, trying to focus in on the darker thing hovering above him. It turned out to be Karkat’s face and, wow, he looked a lot more concerned than John could ever remember him looking before. Which was weird, considering he had just been talk-thinking at John a few moments ago, so he at least knew that his mind was still okay.

“Hey,” John rasped out, slightly disturbed with how broken his voice seemed.

“Hi again,” the corners of Karkat’s mouth turned up just slightly.

“Earth to Egbert, come in Egbert,” Dave monotoned. “Houston would like to know if you can fucking feel your toes and remember how to count to three, Egbert. Please stop hitting on the local aliens long enough to respond, Egderp.”

John snorted as he glanced around, trying to sit up but still being held down by gray, clawed hands. He settled for just turning his head to the side, “Uh, one, two, three? Oh, hey, there you are. Jesus fuck I feel like shit. Water?”

“You sound like shit, too!” Jade gleefully announced. “You can have a drink after you prove you are not paraplegic or brain damaged.”

“Ugh,” grated John. “Throat’s all scratchy.”

“That is a shame,” agreed Rose. “Now wiggle your fingers.” John settled for giving her the finger, which caused Jake to break into reassured giggles. Karkat releases his shoulders to give him a light swat on the head, which earns him a disapproving earful from almost everyone present. At that point, the two aliens backed off so that all the humans ‘ _could get their concern done with and stop being so clingytouchy_.’

“Toes too!” demanded his cousin.

“I’m not **that** much of a monkey, Jade. Please, for the love of all that is sacred, can I have some water? I’m not going to drown or anything.”

“Hang on, we’ll get you up, chap,” Jake takes mercy upon him and helps him sit up. The brief bout of vertigo causes John to grimace, but at this point all he cares about is that Dave is holding out a bottle of water. When John reaches for it, he pulls it back out of reach. He then very condescendingly takes off the cap and proceeds to hold the bottle to John’s lips, as if he were incapable of simple motor function. After downing as much as he was allowed, John told him as much.

“Excuse me for being concerned about your fine motor control moments after you wake up from a month-long coma,” retorts the blonde. He would have come up with something snarky to say about that, but there was suddenly a lot of silence coming from the headband. Looking over, John noticed that Karkat had taken the second headband off of G’mzee and set it down on a nearby table.

Beckoning to the taller alien, Karkat had him lean down so that their faces were nearly level. Then he reared back and clouted G’mzee a good one right across the jaw. Then he started screaming at him, using a variety of words that John knew were likely colorful curses as he gave his moirail a verbal tongue lashing. Several times he gestured back towards the huddled humans, obviously still very upset about the whole snatching thing. It also helped that G’mzee had taught John enough of their language that he could pick out bits a pieces here and there. Unfortunately their body language was enough for the others to catch on.

“Dude, are you being fought over by two alien dudes?” smirked Dave. “So apparently it’s not your fault at all. Egderps are just really hot to the extraterrestrials. Buck teeth and pasty skin and being a dork twenty-four seven. That’s what does it for them. Who knew? All this time we could have just sent you out into space and flaunted your gluts around before offering you as tribute and the aliens would have given up their conquest of the planet because they got what they came for. Pale virgin ass.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dave,” grouses John as he yawns. “Gemzee…Geemzee…no, Gamzee? fucking alien names… is Karkat’s moirail and he’s yelling at him for being stupid, kind of like how you are being right now.” There was a brief pause where they all started staring at him. “What?”

“Did you acquire this information before he burst every blood vessel in your head and sent you into a coma?” prompts Rose.

“Uh, that was an accident,” John glances over to the two aliens, who seemed to have reconciled and were now hugging it out. Or rather, G’mzee was hugging a snarling Karkat, who looked decidedly embarrassed. “I knew about G’mzee before; Karkat told me about him once. I really didn’t think I would ever get to meet him, though.” He yawns again.

“You alright there, partner?” questions his clone-twin. “For just waking up from a month-long nap, you look particularly bushed.”

“It’s been a long, uh, month? Wow, yeah. I’ll tell you all about it after I get some real sleep in,” sighs John as he leans into Jake. “Been a lot of…stuff…going on… mmff.” He could hear them arguing whether or not it was a good idea to let him fall asleep again, but it was like the words kept sliding in and out of focus. His eyes finally slid closed, and he was just too exhausted to attempt to open them again. This time there were no nightmares awaiting him.


	3. Saved

When John awoke, it was to the humming sound of the MRI machine that he had learned to fear. Disoriented, he lashed out and hit the sides of the tube he was enclosed in, quickly discovering that he was no longer strapped down to the table. He reached out for G’mzee with his mind, but he could not feel him anywhere. Truly panicking, he thrashed his way out of the machine and fell to the floor with a short cry. He did not know where he was or where G’mzee was or what was going on and suddenly there were people in white coats running towards him yelling and he scrambled backwards.

Then there was a resounding boom as the door was literally knocked off of its hinges and crashed into the far wall. Karkat rushed through the doorway, coming to a sudden halt as he detected the mind-altering field. Baring his fangs as widely as possible, he let out a teakettle hiss from where he stood. The hulking figure of G’mzee lurched into the room after him, which caused no end of confusion to John. But he did not have much time to be confused, because the giant alien simply disappeared in a flash, and the next thing he knew he was being swept outside the room at an impossible pace. Somehow the human was not surprised that G’mzee knew how to flashstep, even though it had never come up in conversation.

Once in the other room, G’mzee simply stopped at the far wall and sank down to the ground, still holding John and, apparently, Karkat. John had not even realized that they had picked up G’mzee’s moirail, but he was not going to complain when the smaller troll was wrapping his arms around him in a bone-squeezing hug. Instead he concentrated on taking short, hiccupy breaths and trying to figure out what on Earth had just happened. And he totally was not shaking at all. Nope. Must be Karkat doing that.

“John?” a voice timidly calls from across the room. “Are you okay?” Peeking around from Karkat and G’mzee’s arms he could see Jade standing just inside the dark room. In the gloom all he could really see were her glasses and her…oh. Her white lab coat. Oh, shit.

“What the fucking Hell was that all about?” adds Dave as he flips on the light switch. Both of the aliens hiss softly and tighten their grasps.

“F-f-fucking shit you guys,” John manages to stutter out. “Would you mind waiting until I’m fucking awake before you start running any tests on me?”

“John, it is understandable to be disoriented after recent events, but that was a rather violent reaction,” Rose calmly approaches until a warning growl from G’mzee stops her in her tracks. “You were accosted by an alien and put into a coma for a month, yet you are perfectly comfortable with the possibility of being crushed to death by that same alien. Do you want to talk about it?”

He gulps, opens his mouth, then shuts it before trying again, “I wasn’t in a coma, Rose.”

“John, you were clinically brain-dead for a month,” she gently explains. “Now, if you said you had dreams during this time, there is no way to scientifically prove that for you it was not simply darkness-”

“No,” interrupts John, a little firmer. “I wasn’t in a coma, Rose, _because I was inside Gamzee’s head_.”

She blinks twice, “Oh.” Her eyes go distant with a far-off horror as she begins to contemplate the implications of that simple prepositional phrase.

“What do you mean ‘oh’?” growls Dave. “What the Hell are you talking about, John?”

“Exactly what I said, dickface,” hiccups the blue-eyed teenager, and whoa, he is perilously close to tears here. “I was there. For all of it. Not just like learning about it second-hand, like with Karkat. I was in Gamzee’s head when you guys took off the headband, so I was stuck there. The entire time.”

“Oh. Oh my God,” Rose’s eyes look suspiciously wet, and oh shit if she starts crying he knows he is not going to be able to keep his cool anymore.

“Oh, oh no, John, no,” Jade is approaching them, and ignoring the growls coming from the larger alien. “It’s okay, John. It’s alright we can work this-”

“Jade, stop!” yells John. She halts in her tracks, for the first time noticing G’mzee’s aggressive posture. From the feeling of the rock-hard muscles wrapped around him and Karkat, John would guess that he was about a split-second away from leaping up to deal with the threat.

Jake darts forward and pulls her back a few steps for safe measure, “Whoa there, chap! No need to get angry at Jade now!”

“Shit, it’s not that he doesn’t like her,” John sighs, suddenly even more exhausted than before. “It’s the fucking coat.”

For a moment his cousin looks down at her coat with a befuddled expression, but then she suddenly understands, “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t even think about it!”

“So you are telling me,” Dave is slowly working it out, “that if I had slit that giant bastard’s throat…”

“You would have basically killed me too, you gigantic ass,” confirms John. “What was that about, anyway? Since when do you threaten someone who can’t fight back?”

“He fucking put you into a coma, John!” yelled Dave. “And disregarding that, how about the fact you had a brain aneurism right before you conked out? Without the nanites you would have been dead before you hit the floor!”

“I said that was an accident,” snarls John. “He wasn’t trying to hurt me; it’s just that apparently psychic abilities don’t work quite the same on us as they would on other aliens. He was just trying to find out where Karkat was.”

“So he _accidentally_ almost killed you,” the blonde instantly goes all calm and cold again. “Yeah, because that is totally better. See, this is exactly why we had to separate-”

“Dave!” snaps Rose. He looks at her as if he wants to continue anyway, but the expression on her face causes him to close his mouth with an audible snap.

“That was rather ungentlemanly,” adds Jake. Around then is when they notice John is having a panic attack; both the aliens are attempting to pacify him with a sort of humming-purr sound that actually was rather nice. Or it would have been, had he not been gasping for air in short little puffs as they shifted to try to hide him from view.

“Shit,” Jade is stripping her coat off. She flings it to the far corner of the room and begins cautiously approaching, Jake trailing along half a step behind her. Every time G’mzee snarled, they would both pause for a moment. As soon as he stopped, they would press on. It was not until Karkat gave a warning growl that they finally came to a halt. Jade crouched down on her heels so that she would be on their level, dragging Jake down by his sleeve when he did not follow her.

“Khrkat?” she looked directly at the alien. “I know you are just trying to protect John, but we’re his family, too. Let us help.”

Fangs worried away at a gray lip, “Zhaan?”

A slight, almost imperceptible nod from John and both aliens began to loosen their hold. Jade took this as a sign to go ahead and close the little gap left between them, leaning forward to wrap her own arms around her cousin. Neither of the aliens made a sound, let alone moved. As he returned Jade’s hug, John looked over to see them both warily watching the exchange. Jake sort of edged into the hug as well, careful to remain on the balls of his feet just in case he needed to move quickly. It was that stance that finally broke John down.

He knew that they thought there was good reason to be so defensive; never would he convince them that the aliens were not nearly as much a threat as they believed. However, now he was grouped in the category of not-to-be-trusted and honestly he was not sure he could deal with being separated from Karkat (or Hell, even Gamzee) again. He was shaking, close to sobbing, and completely unsure of what exactly was going to happen next. In short, John was a mess. His ectosiblings simply held him close and let him get most of it out.

“I-I can’t…I c-can’t, Jade,” he is stuttering out as he shakes himself to pieces. “I can’t d-do that…not again. I-I can’t.”

“Shh, it’s okay, John,” Jade is rubbing his back calmingly. “It’s okay. We’re not going to do that again, so there is nothing to worry about.”

“ _What?_ ” Dave hisses out.

“Really, brother?” his sister sounds slightly disappointed in him. “Are you even looking at the same person as we are? John has been through a series of very traumatic experiences these past months. Seeing as how Khrkat fully cooperated and is probably the only reason we even managed to get John back at all, there is no reason for him to be returned to the science division. They have been making little headway with either of the aliens anyway.”

“It would be downright uncivilized of us,” adds Jake. “The big bloke, on the other hand…” There is a pause as they all regard the large alien carefully watching the proceedings as if he were a massive guard dog.

“He can’t go back down there!” John panics. “Besides the fact he would probably tear you guys to shreds if you tried, he’s Karkat’s moirail! You can’t do that!”

“That’s the second time you have mentioned that word, John,” notes Rose. “What precisely does that mean?”

“It’s, uh, a kind of relationship,” John shifts backwards out of the ectosibling hug so he can see better, and is immediately reclaimed by Karkat. “Pfft. Clingy.” After earning a growl, he continues, “Um… Karkat referred to him as a boyfriend? But I’m not sure how much got lost in translation there…”

“So the grey dude hanging all over you is already spoken for by the bigger grey dude that tried, sorry, accidentally almost killed you,” snorts Dave. “Anyone else seeing a problem with this, or is it just me? I mean, are they going to invite you to threesomes or something?”

“It’s, uh, what’s the word? Erm, what I mean is, it isn’t a sexual relationship?” the blue-eyed boy attempts to explain. “There are different kinds of, uh, boyfriends and girlfriends in their culture. It’s kind of this complicated system of social constructs and wow I am not talking about this right now because I totally just remembered Gamzee can kind of understand half of what we are saying, so shut the fuck up, Dave.”

“He _what?_ ” exclaims the blonde the same time Jade’s eyes get all round.

“Oh! You’ve been discussing cultural differences with Gamzee? You _have_ to tell me all about that! I bet Jane would love to hear more too.”

“Shit, Janey!” starts John. “How is she doing? Where is she? Actually, where is everyone else? I meant to ask earlier but I-”

“Slow down there, bud,” chuckles Jake. “Everyone is doing okay. They’ll be doing a lot better when they see you up and about, but that can jolly well wait until we get you all fixed up.”

“Good idea, Jake,” Rose tilts her head. “First and foremost, I believe all three of you could use some rest. There will have to be some changes to our original plans to accommodate Gamzee, but if Khrkat will vouch for him I will consider appealing the decision to move him into governmental custody.” She pauses as John and the others literally try to work out her jargon, “I mean that the arrangement will be similar to before. You will keep an eye on Khrkat, and he will keep an eye on his moirail. If there are any attacks, or even attempts to attack someone, then the deal if off. Is that agreeable?”

Checking with the aliens by raising an eyebrow at them, John waits while Gamzee and Karkat have a short conversation that seemed to mostly entail them working out what Rose had just said. This would be so much easier if they could use the headbands, but John did not even want to think about asking for them- at least not quite yet. There was no way that would go over well with anyone present except perhaps Gamzee.

After getting a serious nod from Karkat, he turns back to his friends, “Yeah, okay. From what I could catch, they understood that well enough. Although apparently they want to know if they can defend themselves if ‘Mr. Black Glasses’ starts anything.” Back to the aliens, “And, no, that is not okay. There will be no fighting. None. You hear me?” Gamzee mutters something very inappropriate and John grits his teeth, “I said, there. Will. Be. No. Fighting.” A snarl with teeth bared. “None. Do you hear me?” With a growl, he finally got a petulant nod from the giant.

“ _Damn_ , John,” whistles Jade in admiration. “Did you just friendleader the giant alien fuckass?” He glances over to see her and Jake with gaping mouths and is rather pleased.

“Yes, I motherfucking did. Now you too, Dave,” he adds.

“You can’t be serious,” one blonde eyebrow raises above the wraparound shades.

“Dave,” John put on his most severe ‘ _I am not fucking around here_ ’ voice. “No antagonizing Karkat or Gamzee. Especially Gamzee. You do _not_ know him. I do. You two in any proximity to each other is like a fucking train wreck. Inevitable and disastrous. No. I will _not_ stand for it to happen. Just try not to be such a douche all the time.”

“Jesus Christ, fine!” he snaps in return. “You just went from emotional breakdown to fucking dictator on me. I swear I will not harm your precious alien babies, okay? Even though all of you are obviously forgetting that they are the enemy.”

“‘The enemy’ were not the ones debating whether or not to slit our throat every few nights or so, Dave,” John’s throat constricted. “Just. I can’t deal with any more right now, okay? We’ve been poked, prodded, and tortured by people I know for the past month and I just…I can’t deal. How would you even…? The point is, neither of them are going to try anything first. Not unless you are threatening the other one.”

“Ah,” nods Rose, “so they are effectively each other’s leverage. Gamzee won’t do anything out of fear that retribution will fall on Khrkat, and vice versa.” A reluctant nod from John, who hated to divulge such a weakness on accident. “Then that is entirely acceptable. For now, let’s get you three back to the house without anyone seeing us.”

“I’ll lead them,” offers Dave. As everyone goes to object, he holds up a hand and continues, “The big one can flashstep, right? If he can carry Karkat and I carry John, I’m pretty sure we can get all four of us back without being seen. I mean, the aliens waltzing around the island would be the biggest issue.”

“True,” his sister agrees in a voice that highly suggests that he not try anything. “We will clean up and meet you all there. Is that acceptable, John?”

“Uh, sure,” he nervously smiles. “Karkat? Gamzee?” The larger alien frowns down at him, and for a moment he was sure that there had been some kind of misunderstanding. Then suddenly Gamzee was lifting Karkat and John up together, the nubby-horned boy still not letting go of his new human cuddle toy. When he sneered at Dave to show that he perfectly understood what was said but was ignoring it anyway, John used his single free arm not being crushed by Karkat to execute a perfect facepalm.

“Oh yeah, I can see how this whole diplomacy thing is going to work out real well,” the blonde returns fire. “Remind me again what part of this is not a stupid idea?”

“I seriously give up at this point,” John groans as he kneads the crease between his eyebrows. “Just get us the fuck home. We can argue when I don’t feel like shit that has been dragged behind Jade’s boat for a couple miles.”

“Fine,” snaps Dave. With that, he disappears into thin air, already likely flashstepping down the hallway and out of the hospital. With a sickening jolt, G’mzee moved to follow him. After making sure that Dave was at least avoiding any security cameras on their route, John felt so ill that he simply closed his eyes and tried to imagine what it would be like to lie down on a real bed and sleep. His mind slowly began to drift, the embrace of the two aliens and the sensation of having his own body making him feel secure for the first time in ages.

The next thing he knew, he was groaning and shifting as he attempted to wake up. Gosh, there appeared to be someone clinging onto him. He wondered vaguely if he had fallen asleep watching movies with Janey again. But something seemed wrong with that thought, and it took him a few minutes to realize what it was. He woke with a start, still half-convinced that he had been delirious and G’mzee was going to scold him for interrupting what sleep the alien could manage to get.

The ceiling was all wrong.

It looked like the ceiling in his bedroom, but he normally did not sleep where he could see it since he had the bottom bunk. After blinking a few times, he realized that the person currently wrapping their arms around his chest was Karkat. After that, everything sort of fell into place, and he wondered where everyone else was after the events of last…night? G’mzee had been moving so quickly that it had been really hard to focus on anything, so it could have just been an overcast day for all John knew. With another groan, he tried to shift over so he could see the room, but Karkat simply grumbled angrily and tightened his grip. Looked like he was not going anywhere anytime soon. He was halfway debating going back to sleep for a little while longer when Dave spoke up.

“Is Sleeping Beauty Number One finally awake?” he monotoned, but somehow John knew he was still on edge.

Glancing over, he could see him sitting on Dirk’s bed across the room, “Awake enough. What time is it? Hell, what _day_ is it?”

“It is,” he checked his bare wrist obnoxiously, “about half-past we were starting to worry you were going into another coma. You going to wake up Numbers Two and Three or should I go get a foghorn?”

“Don’t you dare,” yawned John. “Ugh. Can you watch them for a minute? I’ve got to piss like none other.”

“Sure, whatever,” shrugged Dave. “Wouldn’t want to risk your bladder exploding or some shit.” John rolled his eyes as he worked his other arm free from Karkat’s grasp; hissing as the pins and needles sensation told him that he had not moved much the entire time he had been passed out. Unable to unwrap the alien’s arms, he attempted to push him off and wriggle out from the tight embrace. Unfortunately, Karkat suddenly growled and clamped down when John had gotten halfway free, crushing his abdomen with no mercy.

“Ow! Holy shit Karkat, I need those organs,” John yelped as he struggled to loosen those iron-hard arms. “Ow, ow, ow, ow! Let go!” How the Hell did Karkat even stay so fit when he was in isolation? Dave was getting ready to stand up when a growl drew their attention to the other alien. John had not even realized that he was laying sprawled across G’mzee’s lap, with the larger alien sitting in Karkat’s funny little pile that he normally slept in. One purple eye ringed in yellow sleepily glared down at him and for a moment he worried that perhaps waking up the grey dudes was a really bad idea.

Then G’mzee yawned widely, rubbed his eye and frowned down at Karkat. With hands that were literally large enough to crush a person’s skull in, he placed one between John’s stomach and Karkat’s face and pulled on his shoulder with the other. The one between the two of them became apparently necessary when Karkat suddenly sunk his fangs into it. With a wince, John mentally noted not to ever wake his alien pal up with anything shorter than a four-foot stick. After a few moments of grouching while blinking groggily, Karkat appeared to realize what the problem was. He sat up, releasing John and apologizing to G’mzee at the same time.

“Well, since all of you are up now, might as well make it a field trip,” suggested the blonde. “Also, as nice as it is to stare at your legs, you might want to put on some real clothes before Dirk sees you.” John frowned for a moment before realizing that all three of them were still wearing those ridiculous hospital gowns; and those gowns were in various states of disarray, making for some very uncomfortable territory.

“Well, Karkat can wear my clothes easily enough, but Gamzee…” he trailed off, scratching his chin. “Yeah, maybe we can get something of Dad or Bro’s that will sorta fit?”

“And get killed in the process? No thanks. Rose was already on that,” Dave jerks his thumb over his shoulder. Sitting on the dresser were two piles of folded laundry. “Who knows where she got them from, but I guess the idea is that we might as well get them their own stuff if they are going to be staying here.” The way he said ‘staying here’ made it all too clear that he expected they would be gone within the week, especially if he had anything to do with it.

John lurches to his feet and moves over to the dresser, pretending he did not see Karkat’s slightly worried expression or the way he started to move to catch him in case he toppled over. Picking up one of the shirts and finding it to be the size of a small tent, he assumed that pile was for G’mzee. Tossing a set of clothes at each of the aliens, he dug through his drawers for some jeans and a t-shirt. When he turned back to them, he noticed Karkat was holding up his shirt and heavily frowning at it.

“What now?” sighed John.

Karkat turned around the plain black shirt so John could see the front of it, “Green?”

“Uh, what?” was the intelligent reply. With a facepalm of epic proportions, Karkat stalked over to the dresser. Grabbing the shirt John had picked out, he pointed to the green ghost on the front. It must have been John’s imagination, but he could have sworn that those pointy grey ears were starting to look a little ruddy.

“Oh! Wait, you are upset because Slimer isn’t on your shirt?” snorted John. “Uh, sure. If you miss him that much, you can wear one of my shirts.” He forked over the shirt he had originally picked for himself and dug out another one in white instead of black.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he does not give two shits about you Ghostbusters hard on,” Dave noted. “Anyway, I am tagging along just in case one or both of your alien buddies here decide that they are not going to wait to put a ring on that finger before they get a hold of your luscious buttocks. That and Rose told me to.”

“So noble, Mr. Knight-in-shining-armor,” John rolled his eyes as he dug out two pairs of shoes. Looked like Rose had not been able to find any in G’mzee’s size yet. Honestly John was not surprised. “C’mon guys; I think my bladder took serious damage with that last squeeze.”

All four of them filed into the bathroom and quickly took care of nature’s call before filing through the locker room to the showers. Dave immediately took one of the showerheads in the middle, much to John’s annoyance. After G’mzee slouched over to the one next to Dave, Karkat made a beeline for the corner on the other side of G’mzee. It took a moment for John to realize that this was probably exactly what Dave had wanted. Unfortunately, having G’mzee and the blonde shower next to each other spelt disaster in about every language in existence.

John then maturely shouldered Dave to the side so he could steal his spot, “Shove over.”

“What the fuck, John?” the visor was off now, and red eyes glared at him. Damn John found that shade really distracting. He resolutely looked away, and not just because it would piss the blonde off even more.

“You next to Gamzee? I thought we were trying to make it to breakfast or whatever meal it is with all of our limbs,” frowned John as he adjusted the water. Frick Dave liked his showers freezing cold. “Shut up and shower.”

“How am I supposed to guard you if I’m on the wrong side?” countered Dave.

“You can flashstep,” pointed out John as he squirted a generous helping of shampoo over his head and began to lather. “So I don’t see how it really matters what side you are on.”

“Whatever. It’s your ass on the line and you can’t seem to care enough about it to even pretend that you are worried about being mauled. Or molested.”

“Oh, would you shut your motherfucking mouth about that?” growled John. “I know I can’t convince you that Gamzee and Karkat are not going to randomly attack me for no reason, but seriously neither of them is suddenly going to decide that they really want to figure out human porn works. Plus, they can basically understand most of what you say now! You are going to scar them for life or something.”

“Uh-huh,” drawled Dave, sounding more and more Texan by the second. “So what you’re trying to tell me is that Karkitty over there has not been hovering over you like a mother hen since you woke up, and absolutely has no intentions of forming some sort of crazy alien romance with you that possibly ends with him laying eggs inside your body cavities?”

“Ew,” John grimaced at the same time G’mzee snarled out a harsh phrase. “Uh, no. Just no, Gamzee. That is totally not what is happening here. I am just not letting either of you kill the other one. Totally not the same thing.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing!”

“You are such a shitty liar. Now what was it?”

“Honestly, it is not important, Dave.” A grumbling from G’mzee had John rethinking his words. “Uh, okay. I understand that you think it is important, Gamzee, but this is really not the time or place to-” Harsher growls. “Jeez, fine! He says that you are already in a ‘crazy alien romance’ and that if he could he would lay eggs in your body cavities but apparently I am ruining that plan by being an auspistice between the two of you and basically that means all three of us are in a crazy alien romance together. Which is not true! Because this is totally-”

“Wait, _what?_ What do you mean all three of us?”

“Ugh!” John thunked his head on the shower wall in front of him. “Basically one of the relationship models involves two people who hate each other’s guts and a mediator. But, if the mediator was not around, then they would be kismesises and do the weird hate-love thing.”

“Hate-love? Okay, I am beginning to think you are making this up as you go along, John,” there was some amusement in Dave’s voice.

“Fuck you, I’m not making up this shit. I don’t think I even could. Basically, it is where you hate someone but you have sex with them anyway and holy shit I don’t want to be explaining this to you right now! Or anyone! Ever! So both of you just cut it out!”

There was a slight pause before Dave continued, “So there really are alien threesomes?”

“Oh my God, I hate you so much right now,” moaned John as he wiped suds out of his eyes. “You are literally being the biggest ass possible just because you did not get your way. That is so cool, Dave. Unbelievable.”

When G’mzee piped up again, John had finally had it, “Okay, you know full well that is not what I meant. Godammit! That’s it! Fuck all of you; I am going to go find food.” He rinsed off as quickly as possible, stomping out of the showers to his locker. Halfway through getting dressed, he noticed Karkat had followed him. The alien was nervously clutching at his towel and, yeah, that was definitely a blush forming on his face.

“Zhaan…?” he trailed off for a moment as John shoved his shirt over his head. “Auspitice?” As much as he wanted to, the boy could not pretend he did not know what his alien pal was asking; especially after hearing what just happened in the showers.

“Fuck, Karkat,” sighed John as he sat down on the bench to pull on his shoes. “I don’t know, okay? Gamzee explained the quadrants to me, but I don’t even understand what he is talking about half the time. That and I am pretty sure including humans in alien romances is kind of a weird thing to do. To me, I’m just trying to keep a fight from breaking out. At this point, I don’t even care what you and Gamzee call it as long as no one gets hurt.”

And that was when he realized that Gamzee and Dave were effectively alone in the showers with the two of them out here, “Oh, for the love of- Gamzee! Get your giant ass out here immediately! I am serious, bud. I will not be asking someone to get you any Faygo if you are not here and getting dressed by the count of three. One…two…th-” There was a rush of air that nearly bowled John over and then there was a fully-dressed, dripping-wet alien all crowding into his space, yammering a mile a minute.

“Okay, what the fuck was that about?” Dave slouched out of the showers at a more leisurely pace. “You mention some crappy soda and suddenly he is all eager as a puppy to do whatever you say? How does he even know what that shit is?”

“Because trolls have Faygo, too,” John stood up. “From what I can tell, they are essentially the same in either world. We aren’t waiting for you to get ready. I can feel my stomach eating away at the rest of my organs.”

“Fuck, John! This wasn’t my damn idea, okay? Just give me a sec,” the blonde flashed over to his locker and got dressed in record time. Well, record time for any human, anyway.

“Awesome,” the blue-eyed boy stood up and grabbed Karkat’s hand without a second thought, “Let’s go get food.” He led the way down the hall, Gamzee crowding in close behind and Dave lagging in the back. It was not until they were descending the stairs that he realized he still had Karkat’s hand in his own and the alien had not complained at all. Letting go with an apologetic smile, he was surprised to see the gray forehead crumpled like his alien pal was deep in thought about something. However, when he raised an eyebrow in question the only response he got was a shake of a head and an annoyed growl. Somehow literally being in an alien’s head for a month did not help John at all when trying to understand what Karkat was thinking. Man he was missing those headbands already.

They found Jade and Jane downstairs, cooking up breakfast. No one else seemed to be present, but John figured they were all probably out already on rotation or something. He was so far out of the loop even before he had been in a coma that he had no idea what was going on anymore. Well, he was now back to his position of babysitter of grey dudes, so he supposed that it did not really matter if he was clueless. As long as he kept Gamzee and Dave from each other’s throats, he was pretty much golden.

“I’m making up a lot of breakfast for you boys,” Jane smiled shakily down at the pan of frying bacon. “I know you all must be starving. It’s going to be hard to keep enough protein around to feed all of you at this rate.”

“Jane?” John began, but she continued to talk over him.

“Of course, it’ll be a wonder if Dad does not come home with half a cow tonight after Jade mentioned it to him. We’ll figure something out, anyway.”

“Jane,” he tried to interrupt his sister again.

“I was not sure about how to prepare the eggs, so I was waiting for you all to get here,” she continued. “I suppose scrambled would be easiest for the sheer amount-”

John began seriously tuning her out as he gave Jade a confused look. When his cousin shrugged, he gestured for Karkat and Gamzee to sit down at the table and moved into the kitchen. He sidled up to his sister’s side slowly, giving her time to move away if that was what she wanted to do. Honestly he was not sure at all what to expect.

“Janey,” he tried again, gently reaching out to touch her shoulder. He definitely did not expect the head-ringing slap that contacted his cheek with enough force to nearly give him whiplash. Before he could even react, she had thrown her arms around his neck, sobbing into the crook of his neck.

“You idiot!” wailed his sister. “What the Hell were you thinking, worrying us all like that?” He shooshed her and rubbed her back, determined that he was not going to cry because right now she needed him to be her rock. When he glanced over to the others, he noted that Jade was serving everyone breakfast and Dave for once had listened to him and was sitting so that he was neither directly across from or next to Gamzee. For once, he felt like maybe everything was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow guys. this got a lot more popular than i could have even dreamed. what i had planned for the story unfortunately ends here, since this was meant to be a one-shot drabble that kind of got out of hand. 
> 
> perhaps later i will pick it up again, but right now i need to concentrate on schoolwork and my other two stories. thank you for all the kudos and support!!


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